You Want Me to What?
by fairystail
Summary: It's the Kyuubi sealing and Death was given a holiday so the master of Death shows up instead only he has one question. You want me to do what? One shot
1. Chapter 1

All he had done was let Death take a small vacation, he hadn't had one in a few million years and of course this would happen.

"You want me to what?" Harry asked for the fifth time still not really understanding.

The blonde guy, Minato, sighed. "I want you to seal half of the Kyuubi into my son, half of it into me and in payment i'll allow me to devour my soul," he explained again.

Harry just looked at him as if he is an idiot, "do I look like the type of person who goes around devouring souls?" he asked sarcastically.

"Wel...no," Minato admitted.

"Furthermore she," here he pointed to a red headed woman, Kushina, "is dying why doesn't she offer up her soul as sacrifice instead?"

"What!? But I couldn't destroy her after life like that. I refuse!" Minato shouted out in shock.

"So what you will do is leave your child parentless with a great big fucking monster in it's head?" Harry asked with a roll of his eyes. "Parent of the year right fucking here."

"He'll be fine, everyone will treat him as a hero and as such he will be well taken care of and loved," Minato said dismissively.

"Sooo the fact that every single Jinchuuriki in existnece is hated is irrelevenat? How about the fact that a monster in your head can really mess with a person's mind? Or that the only thing every orphan in existence has wished for is to see their family? I remember praying to Santa every year as a kid asking to be able to see my parents. I have to ask….are you 'special'?"

Minato just stared at the Master of Death, unsure of how to react.

Harry turned to Kushina, "Yo red, you're dying do you offer yourself up as sacrifice?"

"I do," Kushina said resolutely, "i was trying to do it before but this baka,"  
here she glared at Minato, "kept interfering."

Harry ignored Minato's reply. "Cool, well i'll take your soul and seal the fuzzball into your son. Not really fond of eating people's souls so instead you can be my maid or something. Deal?"

"Deal," was Kushina's response.

Harry nodded, "by the way Minato if you call me or Death again and ask us to do something so ridiculously stuppid then I will not hesitate to kick you in the balls."

After saying his piece Harry disappeared, the Kyuubi was sealed and Kushina died.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry lay on a beautiful beach with the two bikin-clad forms of Terumi Mei and Senju Tsunade beside him. He still wasn't sure HOW he had ended up there but he was there and he most certainly was not complaining, he was however discreetly casting shrinking charms on their bikini's

"Ah sir?" a gravely, raspy voice that could only belong to Death made it's self known.

Harry let out a small growl and turned to look at his servant, "can't you see i'm busy?" he hissed.

Death seemed to cower in fear, "i-it's M-Minato sir, y-you said you wanted to be i-informed if he t-tried to summon m-me again."

Harry sighed in defeat, he had said that hadn't he? "I'll deal with it," he muttere. Making sure that his towl was tied tightly around his waist Harry Apparated to Minato to see what was going on.

He found himself in a room surrounded by a purple barrier, two people who were supposed to be dead, a Snake-pedo and Minato

The Snake-pedo looked unimpressed, "you summoned a half-naked man why?" he asked in contempt/confusion. "Minato if you need to tell me something it's ok. I don't judge, I have done much worse after all."

"It's not like that!" Minato shouted, blushing bright red. "He's the Master of Death I didnt mean to summon him."

Harry let out a growl. "Look. I was on a beach with two of the biggest chests in the fucking world. They weren't fake and they were very perky..."

"Tsunade and Mei?" the Snake-Pedo interrupted.

"Yes," Harry hissed.

"What were you doing to my sweet Tsu-chan?" one of the dead guys asked angrily.

Harry turned to face the dead-guy, "look right now this is the worst case of cock-blocking in history. According to the guy code I could crush each and every single one of your pathetic nuts in a vice. Why the fuck am I here?"

Everyone, even the dead-guys paled before Minato spoke up. "Umm I was hoping to offer my soul for you to get rid of the reanimated corpses of my predeccessors?" Minato asked nervously.

Harry facepalmed. "Again with offering up your soul. they should be in the realm of the dead anyway, it is death's duty and occasionaly mine to make sure they stay there or send them back if they leave. Why do you keep offering up your soul?"

"I...I thought that's what I was supposed to do," Minato murmured, blushing bright red.

Harry waved his hand and the two dead-guys well died. "Anything else?" he snapped.

Minato and the Snake-pedo shook their heads no.

"Good," Harry Apparated away.

Five seconds later he Apparated back. "They got bored and found a cabana boy," he growled.

The Snake-pedo and Minato paled drastically.

"Don't worry," Harry said giving them an evil smile, "I won't use a vice," a sledgehammer appeared in his hand.

The Snake-pedo was the first to bolt, "No cute white kid's ass is worth this," he screamed.


End file.
